Fourth Of I Don’t Give A Shit

If you think patriotism is blowing things up, drinking a bunch of Belgian-owned piss-flavored beer (nothing against Belgium, but some still aren’t aware that Budweiser isn’t American anymore) out of a red, white, and blue can, and waving around a flag that you have no idea how to properly treat… you are the reason I couldn’t care less about the Fourth of July.  Well, that, and the fact that I do not wave the flag of fascists, no matter what it was SUPPOSED to represent.

Okay, I admit it, I am totally lying.  I DO give a shit that it is the fourth of July today.  I give a shit, because of the drunk fucking assholes who will be starting wildfires near my house by insisting they must light off their own illegal fireworks in windy, dry conditions where wildfires happen every fucking year.

“Hey BillyBob!”

“What’s up, JoeBob?”

“Do you have millions of dollars in pyrotechnics, a computerized launch system that syncs to music, a cleared safe-zone, firefighters on standby, and relatively sober people monitoring the whole show you’re about to put on?”  BillyBob might ask.

“Nope.  Fuck that libtard bullshit.  I got bottle rockets, a dozen 8 pound mortars, those annoying-ass whistle things, a sparkler wheel, and some firecrackers that I smuggled in from the reservation.  Oh, and thirteen cases of Bud.  We can do it way fuckin’ better!”  JoeBob might answer.

“Fuck yeah!  But I don’t want any of them libtards calling the cops, so let’s go over to that cheat-grass and dry brush covered hill.  We’ll make America great again!”  BillyBob will say.

What could possibly go wrong?

Every.  Single.  Fucking.  Year.  Some innocent person ends up getting fucked over by these so-called “patriots”.   Some lose homes, some lose roofs, some lose crops, some lose livestock, and some just lose peace-of-mind when they are forced to evacuate due to the thousands of acres of land burning too close to their homes.  Fortunately, the firefighters do a damn-good job of protecting most people’s homes when a wildfire starts on open land.  However, most isn’t all, and firefighters can’t do a damn thing when there is a direct hit to someone’s home.

It’s not just the fire-risk that makes me abhor the illegal fireworks on the fourth.  Despite the fact they are illegal, enforcement of that law is virtually non-existent.  Cops who work on the fourth get holiday pay.  Our cheap-ass government is too broke from handing out corporate welfare to pay enough of them, and most cops turn a blind eye anyway.  It doesn’t take a master detective to investigate where the fireworks are coming from when they leave bright trails of fire all the way down from where they were launched.  One can easily get the sense that if the police were home, they too would be lighting off their illegal fireworks because they are so “patriotic”.

I find it extremely ironic that the same type of people lighting off these illegal fireworks are the ones who believe separating families at the border is okay because, “their parents knew they were breaking the law coming here, but did so anyway”.  Perhaps we should take the children away of anyone breaking the law by lighting off illegal fireworks.  Perhaps not, because we libtards know how cruel of an overreaction that would be.

I will admit, I love a good fireworks show.  In the years where I believed our democratic republic was at least trying to be on the path toward freedom and equality, (no matter how much I disagreed with certain actions taken by our government), I enjoyed the Independence Day celebrations; provided I could figure out how to get in and out relatively easily without being stuck in hours-long-idling traffic or penned in with a huge crowd in a space that is way over capacity.

When I was a teenager, I even helped put on the official fireworks show at our state capital.  It was a… wait for it… blast.  I have teared up watching the fireworks over Lake Union in Seattle from Gas Works Park when I lived there.  I am amazed by the technical precision of it all.  The combination of certain chemicals to make the shapes and colors so brilliantly.  The computer programs involved in making sure that each blast occurs on a specific beat of a song.  It is really quite impressive.

But those are professional shows.  Run by professionals.  People who know what the fuck they are doing and do it as safely as possible.  People on standby to help in case anything goes wrong.  They are done in designated areas, so that when you are looking for a place to live, you can decide if you want to be nearby or not.

If firework displays were limited to the professionals, pet owners could decide where to live in order to prevent their pets from being traumatized.  Animal shelters would see less burden from all of the pet runaways that occur on the fourth.  Unfortunately, thanks to fuckers like BillyBob and JoeBob, pet owners really don’t have a lot of choice.

Because of these asshole “patriots”, any celebration of the fourth for me involves hosing down my roof, watching the fire alerts, and waiting for the assholes to get hung over so the danger finally stops.

If you still feel up for going to see a display tonight, far be it from me to attempt to dissuade you.  I hope you have a great time, enjoy the show, and don’t get stuck in traffic on your way home.  If you feel there is still promise in this nation worth celebrating, well, I hope you are right.

But if you feel the need to light off your own, illegal display, especially in a fire-prone area, I hope you blow your fucking hand off before you can do any damage to the innocent.

Happy day.

If you’re waiting for the conclusion of Steve Steven Stevenson, why?  It kinda sucks.  I might finish it, but I’m working on something I like better.



8 thoughts on “Fourth Of I Don’t Give A Shit

  1. I haven’t liked fireworks since I moved out of my childhood home in ’02. This little town, they did it so big. They had a circus across a tiny street from the area cordoned off for the fireworks display, but I could watch all of it aside from the few ground displays from our sprawling front a 5 minute walk away.

    However, it was there that I learned I can sleep through cannon-fire (it was a tradition on July 4th, &, as I said, we were super close to the parks where they set up the display). It seems my fur-baby has, luckily, taken after me. He had no problems falling asleep last night.

    Still, I know so many animals were freaked out last night. It’s the worst night for pet loss. 😥

    I don’t think there’s anything worth celebrating. Clay Jones did a very poignant cartoon on the subject. I recommend checking it out:

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Here, here!! My daughter was outside enjoying her perfectly legal sparklers and almost got hit with a stray mortar from my neighbors… it detonated just outside of their launch tube and ricocheted off of our garage. Minimal damage, and no injuries but I about jumped over the fence to give them a piece of my mind… people are so irresponsible!! Argh!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, that’s awful. Even sparklers are illegal here because it is so dry. (I personally think that one is stupid, but, so are the people around here, so…) At any rate, if someone’s firework hit my garage, and almost my kid, there might be a fight.


  3. Hehe! You crack me up! The Fourth is my favorite – no religion, no sadness. (Unless you count the temporary despair of decent people)
    I live in a neighborhood absent of JoeBob and BillyBob. I have a great diverse sample of names here, and they apparently all love to shoot off fireworks for the better part of a month. We, The Other White People, did not shoot off fireworks at our home. IN THE WOODS.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s good. We had a fire, but fortunately it was on the other side of town and not in the brush by our neighborhood. They got it out pretty quickly because the winds had dies by that point, but people were still evacuated.

      Liked by 1 person

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