Have you ever wanted to hack your life, but are too afraid you might crash the Matrix? Then this post isn’t for you, because there is no Matrix, and you can’t really hack a life yet… until Delos Corporation can successfully create human-host clones. Besides, you don’t even know coding. The hack is not meant for you.
That said, apparently tips that can help make life easier, are called life-hacks. This term likely originated in the alpine mountains of Western Ohio, as a way of describing man’s symbiotic relationship with Ohio’s vast herds of buffalo. Over time, it evolved into the definition we know and despise today, thanks to YouTube click-baiters trying to make money by recycling tips from Haley’s Hints for all the young kids who were not exposed to them by their mother having PBS on all day while they were too poor to have cable.
Now I can already hear you asking (thanks in no small part to the Ambien), “Dorian, if YouTubers are just stealing ideas from long ago and then putting them on a video and calling them life-hacks, why not just watch their videos or get the books the tips were stolen from?”
The answer is so simple, that it really is quite beautiful. Are you ready? Too bad, I’m answering anyway.
MY LIFE-HACKS AREN’T STOLEN, AND THEY COME FROM ME SO OF COURSE THEY ARE BETTER, ASSHOLE.
Now that we have sufficiently over-introduced my hacks of life, let us begin the hacking, shall we?
1. To avoid life-hacks, be sure to drink plenty of liquids when consuming a life.
This may seem strange, that the first life hack is actually a tip to avoid life-hacks, but I am also strange you see, so this actually makes a lot of sense. You’re just not sufficiently nonsensical enough to see that.
2. Use life to hack.
Say you have a small nuisance tree on your property that needs to come down. Sure you could buy a hacksaw to hack it down, but why bother when you have the best hacking tool already at your disposal? Just pick up a small person or child and repeatedly hack at the small tree with their life until the tree comes down. Use their life to hack. (Note, life may not last when hacking, so have plenty of lives on stand-by in case one fades before the tree falls.)
3. Hack up a life.
If you’re feeling bloated or sick after consuming a life, you may need to hack it up. Sure, you will lose some of the nutritional value, but sometimes life just doesn’t sit well and hacking it up is the fastest way to long-lasting relief.
4. Hack up a life.
I like hatchets for this, but any tool that uses a combination of blunt and sharp force should do the trick.
5. Hack up a hairball.
Cats have easy lives. I’ve seen cats hack up hairballs. Now, I am no scientist, but I work heavily in conspiracy theories and, using the same logic, I can say with 99.45% certainty that hacking up hairballs is the definitive cause since they both happen at the same time and there couldn’t be a whole host of other reasons cats have easy lives (say, like being fed and getting to sleep and play whenever they want), because that does not fit my chosen narrative.
6. Hack Life®.
Just because Mikey likes it, doesn’t mean you do. Perhaps the squares are too large. No problem, just use the side of your spoon to hack the Life® into smaller pieces. Don’t forget the milk!
7. Play Hacky Sack
Also known as Footbag, Hacky Sack is the game that swept the nation in the 90’s because a lot of people had to still hang out together in circles waiting to get high, and were bored waiting for the pass. It’s kinda fun though, even if you suck at it.
8. Eat The Rich
They are the ones preventing your true happiness. The rich are raised by hording wealth that could eradicate homelessness, starvation, and preventable loss of life; just so they can have more zeros at the end of their bank account than the other guy. They’re usually soft and easily hackable, and their livers go well with fava beans and a nice chianti. They come in a variety of shapes and sizes, although we recommend eating white meat, as it is usually more tender, given the lack of work required for them to become rich. Braising seems to work best to bring out all that wonderful rich flavor.
9. Get a horse or pony of a light breed with a high-stepping trot, used in harness.
It would be a hackney. Keep it alive, and you have a live hackney, which is really close to life-hack.
I don’t necessarily mean getting off of your electronics (although that can be helpful on occasion, too). No, I mean you should quit reading and listening to all that would make you unhappy, on occasion. It is important to be informed, but when everything around you is making you unhappy, ignore that shit and surround yourself with what makes you happy instead. Live a life of bliss and ignorance. Why get upset reading about the people who could almost make you hack them to pieces, when you can just ignore it as you go about your day? At least you will know you didn’t waste your remaining short time on this planet worrying. I am sure that knowledge will provide a lot of comfort in the camps.
I hope you enjoyed my life hacks and will put those that are legal to good use. For all of us here inside of my head, we thank you for your continued support. May your produce always the freshest, and may your sexual partners always be satisfying.